Dont take this article too seriously. I had fun writing it, so just have fun reading it. No hateful comments. Deal?

Also,  Im not saying I have ever done any of these things…Im just sayin. Whatever works.

Dont you feel that hunger for recognition? – to know that strangers recognize your name, to watch and stare when you walk into the room. Thats what fame is: the recognition of strangers. Have they noticed me yet? – Power Money Fame Sex: A User’s Guide

Men were once famous for being great warriors or scholars. Now men are famous for having “swagg”.

WTF.

Women were once made famous for their purity (See Elizabeth I of England, or geisha in ancient Japan that commanded large sums of money for their virginity), now they are made famous for leaking sex tapes.

WTF.

You might not like the famous, or agree with how they got their fame, but it is only natural to be envious. Everyone wants to be noticed and heard, so we talk over other people, hate on those more talented, and go to great lengths to make sure our haircut is perfect, we are the first ones wearing the new Jordans, and we are doing the Stanky Leg in the middle of the dance floor (where everyone can see). But these lame attempts at creating a buzz only serve to make us look stupid. Instead, there are four more effective ways of getting the fame that you know you deserve:

Fame Frottage

Frottage means the act of rubbing up against something, therefore, Im talking about rubbing up against other famous people to become famous yourself. Derrick Watkins, aka Fonzworth Bentley, went from being former personal valet and assistant to Sean Combs to having book, music, and television deals.

Sometimes its just as well to be in the same room with celebrities. You are a member of the BET Awards audience and manage to get a picture with Rick Ross. You buy your way into the most exclusive section of the most exclusive club in the city to rub elbows with other hustlers. The haters will take note, see you in the mall, and spread the word about you (“Thats that MF that was in the Centurion Lounge”). You get to be a contestant on a reality television show. Notice that without Flavor Flav’s show, there would be no New York (Tiffany Pollard). Without New York, there would be no Real or Chance (Ahmad and Kamal Givens), and without them, there would be no Kamille Leai aka “Hot Wings”. Flav frottage created 5 generations of celebrities.

Frottage could also mean having a tight and well known entourage. Joining a clique gives you an identity greater than yourself. “Im a member of Cash Money/Young Money, the Royal Ballet School, the Shaolin Temple, Yale Debate Team, etc”.

Inherit Positional Fame or a Family Name

All men are not born equals. Paris Hilton, Miley Cyrus, Ivanka Trump, Blanket Jackson, and Ken Dart were born into their positions of fame, wealth, or power. If you werent born into fame, resort to frottage. Become Paris Hilton’s new BFF. Become Miley Cyrus’ overseas manager. Become Blanket Jackson’s babysitter. You will gain more from these menial positions than you would working at your fame for years on your own.

Achievement

Michael Phelps. Albert Einstein. Barrack Obama. The Octo-mom. These men have all achieved something notable and, as a result, they become famous household names. Actually achieving something is the hardest way to become famous. Ironic, since thats the only fame that actually means something!

Cultivating the Fame you Already Have

Cultivating your fame means maximizing and publicizing your talents – not being an attention whore! Some people capitalize on their unique traits and develop those into a persona other people are interested in. Whatever advantage that you have over others, no matter how small, exploit it and cultivate it so that you become known for it. Sex used to be an easy way for women to do this, but it takes more than a big booty nowadays. For instance, there are millions upon millions of Asian women more beautiful and talented than Tila Tequila, but none cultivate their presence the way she does. Her social networking savvy led her from nobody to MTV.

To cultivate the fame you already have, assess your talents. Got a big butt? Pose for Black Tail. A natural piano player? Insure your hands for a million dollars. Make sure the local newspaper knows about this. A talented singer? Audition in front of a celebrity. You dont have to get signed, but you should always mention that “Babyface was so interested in my natural abilities that he let me audition for him”. Make sure you get a picture with him to validate the story. Tariq Nasheed was famous on a small scale for being a mack and street hustler. Then he wrote a book. And spoke at Yale. And then was given an MTV spot. Now his fame is international.

The Last Ingredient: Scandal

Sprinkle in a little scandal and you’re good to go…because who would really give a damned about the Kardashians if Kim hadn’t leaked the Ray J sex tape? Who knew Bernie Madoff before he was busted? OJ Simpson’s jerseys were worthless until his infamous car chase.

Start a fight in the middle of a radio show event, as close to stage as possible, and in sight of people that know you. Take the mic out of the hand of one of your competitors in mid sentence while she is on stage (yea, we all saw through that, Kanye). Rant out loud in disagreement to your professors lecture, then when he asks you to be quiet, stand up and rip your shirt off in protest of his stifling your freedom of speech. Storm out before he calls campus security. Acts like this will propel your legend to the far corners of the earth and keep your friends in suspense (“What will he do next?”)

Once you have the fame you deserve, you can assume the role by making ridiculous demands (“all red M&M’s on my tourbus!”), and spend life partying and looking for new BFFs on MTV.Then, the only thing you will have to worry about is another Soulja Boy coming out of nowhere and dethroning you.

Popularity: 25% [?]